Adulting with Our Adult Children

When They Grow Up: Navigating the Hurt, the Heartbreak, and (Hopefully) the Joy with Adult Kids

Let’s talk about something a lot of moms don’t say out loud—what it really feels like when your kids grow up and the relationship changes.

You spend years being their everything… and then suddenly, you’re not quite sure where you fit anymore. They’re living their own lives, making decisions (some you love, some you don’t), and maybe not calling home as much as you’d like. There’s love, yes—but also distance. Sometimes confusion. And sometimes, real heartbreak.

It’s not that they don’t love us anymore. It’s that the relationship needs to evolve. And let’s be honest—that part is hard.

Real Talk: Why This Feels So Personal

When you’ve poured your heart into raising a child, it’s natural to feel hurt when things shift. Maybe they don’t open up like they used to. Maybe you disagree on everything from politics to parenting. Or maybe, they’ve pulled away completely and you’re left wondering what happened.

You’re not crazy for feeling a little lost. And you’re definitely not alone.

What Helps? Communication That Connects

The truth is, your grown child doesn’t need parenting in the traditional sense anymore—they need presence, respect, and open-hearted connection. That doesn’t mean you stop being a mom. It means you get to be a new kind of mom. A wiser, listening, supportive one who knows when to lean in and when to let go.

Here are a few simple shifts that can make a big difference:

1. Ask with Curiosity, Not Control

Try saying, “I’d love to hear more about that—what made you choose that path?”

It’s amazing how quickly walls come down when your child feels seen instead of judged.

2. Share, Don’t Lecture

If they ask for advice, offer it gently. If they don’t—try sharing a personal story instead of a solution. Think, “When I was your age, I struggled with that too…” Be careful with this one and read the room. This can come across as if you’re shifting the attention to you, or even that they feel like you’ve set up a competition. My experience has been to ask if it’s ok for me to share a similar experience before offering it.

3. Keep Showing Up, Even When It’s Awkward

Not every moment will be cozy and connected. That’s okay. Consistency says, “I’m here when you’re ready.” That kind of love speaks volumes to them.

What Should We Talk About Now?

Once they’re adults, your conversations can (and should!) get deeper and more honest. Here are a few heart-opening questions to explore:

• What are you most excited or anxious about right now?

• What do you wish people understood better about you?

• How can I support you without overstepping?

• What do you want our relationship to look like as you grow?

These kinds of conversations build something new—an adult-to-adult bond built on mutual respect and care.

When It’s Really Hard (And It Sometimes Is)

Not all relationships with adult children are easy. Maybe there’s hurt, distance, or even estrangement. If that’s where you are, please know: you’re not a failure. You’re human. And so are they.

What can help:

• Send a short, loving message with no strings attached.

• Own your part if needed—but don’t carry more than is yours.

• Give them time. Give yourself grace.

• Keep the door open. Sometimes, love is just waiting for the right moment.

The Joy Still Exists—It Just Looks Different

Yes, this season comes with grief. But it also holds beauty. Grown children can become friends, collaborators, even co-healers. You can laugh, travel, share life in new and surprising ways.

The key? Stay open. Stay grounded in love. And keep growing with them.

Final Thought

You’ve done the hard work of raising them. Now, it’s about relating to them. And that takes courage, compassion, and a whole lot of grace. You’ve got this.

Need support as you navigate this new chapter? I offer coaching for women in midlife who are ready to redefine their lives, reconnect with themselves, and build stronger relationships with the people they love. Send me an email beckisalzman@gmail.com and let’s work through it together.